The Poison Tree - Part Two

To: Jewel of the Nile
From: Jenny
CC: The whole world
BCC: The real me
Subject: Pain
Date: Sunday, October 29, 2006
Time: 4:42 AM - Cairo Local Time
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I woke up now .. can't get myself to sleep. I guess you are asleep now.

His obituary was in the paper and everyone who knew us called me; a very draining and exhausting experience.

I still cannot stop the memories from flowing back into my head. I went to the hairdresser today and as I sat under the huge hairdryer, I entertained thoughts of the heat melting those memories forever. I want to delete that past ten years from my life. I do not mind being who I am now; I just do not want to remember how I got there.

There is another article of mine - Mr. Right for Right Now - where I revealed that I might be ill and might be dying. I was cool with that; I still am cool with that. I just did not think of him dying before me. This was not how it should have happened; I am supposed to go first and the whole world is supposed to grieve.

I spoke to his sister yesterday, she asked me to forgive him, and we both cried. I am not going to the public funeral because there will be a lot of fuss and gossip to follow, so I told her that I will visit her. Now I am so sorry I said that; I am not prepared to walk into that house again.

I fear the living room; I fear the painting of a wide yellow field on the wall in the living room; I fear the sofa that I used to sit on; I fear the chair that he used to sit on; I fear the sounds in the kitchen; I fear the smell of the house; I fear the reception door opening and not seeing him walk through it ever again.

In this living room I used to sit nervously, anxiously, or sadly waiting for him; this is where he held my hand the first time, kissed me the first time, hit me the first time, kicked me out of his life the first time, told me he loved me the first time, and many other first times.

The last time I was in this house was about two years ago. He had his first heart attack; he was in Dubai. He came back and called me and asked me to forgive him. I visited him but I did not have forgiveness at heart; I wanted to show him the new me. I wanted to tell him "I win; you lose".

The last time I saw him on msn I unblocked him, he asked how I was doing and I proudly updated him on my achievements. I could feel the sarcasm allover his reply: "Bravo! Mabrouk! So this is what you have become now." I snapped at him, told him that if that is how the conversation was going to go, we might as well end it there. I told him to die! I blocked him then deleted him.

A month later I ran into him in Moon Deck; it was summer and I was glowing with tanned skin and sun-kissed face. I was with "Mr. Right for Right Now" and I was happy, loved, and on top of the world. He was being kicked out by the bouncers; he looked sick and old. He had a foreign girl with him - probably another new dancer in Egypt. He had a thing for dancers. As they led him down the stairs I wished he would vanish; I wished he would be gone forever so as not to ruin another night in my life.

It is funny how I feel now; I am lost! For the past ten years I have been waking up every morning to challenge him. In the beginning this was the only thing that would get me out of bed. I beat him at any game he called his and rubbed it in his face. He was not supposed to die now; I am not done yet showing him who I am and what I have become. I feel that he cheated his way into winning this. He is gone and I feel as though I have no direction.

I do not know why I am writing all of that to you. I wish you were real. I wish you will still like the monster I created. I am sorry for flying you in such foul weather. I apologize for the doom and gloom trip. Were you real, had I your number, were we close, I would have asked you to pick me up, and I would have asked you to take me for a long drive. Now you know why I want to runaway and why I never want to turn around again.

My dad used to drive me around all night when I could not sleep; he left - but this is another chapter.

Oh Jewel of the Nile .. How I would love to runaway with you

"RunAway" Lyrics - iio

Can we go awayand never turn around again
On an escapade
and always keep the vision

Can we open out
and spread ourselves around the sand
Captivate the sun
keep the light till the world ends

Runaway
Runaway

Take away the wall
and break away my defense
Candle by our side
and never let the rain begin

We're a part of a plan
and it's already written
There is no other way
it's inside our every sense

Earth is our island

Karma, am I yours
is that your intuition
If that is your word
I'm the definition

In our destinies
that is what was missing
Echo in my mind
even through a distance