The Poison Tree

He has been on my mind for the past few days; I was angry at him again for what he did to me. I met him back in June 1996. I was not 21 yet. I just got my first job. I was young, naive, and innocent. He was 33, successful, established, and proud. The first time I saw him, my jaw dropped; so tall, so big, so masculine, and so perfumed. I summoned all my courage and put in a lot of effort to speak up and greet him. He looked from above at this little girl whose eyes gave her away and his game began. I just wanted what every girl I knew back then wanted; marriage.

I bled from within for many years and he was cursed. I cursed him. I took my revenge. I avenged my innocence with plenty of experience; I replaced my dreams with nightmares and sent them his way; I lived to kill him; I thrived to see him fail; I had him on his knees begging for forgiveness and I stood tall as I pointed out his flaws. I planted a poison tree and he stole the fruit. The poison ran into his blood for years killing his career, his relationships, and his heart bit by bit.

On 18 May, 2000 I broke up with him for good. I freed myself from his chains after I tied him to a stake of failure and suffering. I left behind a bankrupt, impotent, pathetic looser. I went on a long journey to reconstruct my self esteem, determination, career, and heart. I moved on and the years went by. The scars were too many to hide and my love life suffered. He kept coming back asking for forgiveness. He wanted to marry me. He wanted to make up for all his crimes. I slammed my doors wide shut in his face. I hated him.

On 26 October, 2006 he died. I got a call from a common friend today who told me that he died of a heart attack the day before. He asked me to forgive him. I cried. I am still crying. I cannot stop crying. Memories are racing to my head. I am remembering things that I wanted to forget - things that I thought I had already forgot. I do not believe that he is gone. I do not believe that the last thing I said to him was that I wished he was dead. I do not believe that the last time I saw him I wished he would vanish forever. I never thought I would cry that hard. I never thought it would hurt that much. I wish I had the chance to forgive him. I wish I had the chance to free myself for good.

A Poison Tree - by William Blake.

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.

I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I water'd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veil'd the pole:

In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree